Holy Jokes / Recent Jokes
Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son".
The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother."
The priest says,"Take one sip of holy water."
The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, "What have you done bad in your life son?"
The boy responds with, "I've stolen something".
The priest says "Take two sips of holy water."
After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off.
So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son"
The boy responds with, "I peed in the holy water."
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus more...
A travelling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?"
"But I am Polish, my son."
There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly.
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."
I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates
gets a cut of the profits therefrom.
Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking,
standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS
network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that
would be a gross hack.
Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't
need that much space anyway.
Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM.
After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy
this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory
managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.
Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy
directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though
it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar.
Standardization on where that character is located on a computer
keyboard is more...
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A bus load of school girls on a picnic in England met with an accident and all went to heaven. The next day morning they were all waiting in line to enter the Pearly Gate. Father Saint Peter looked at the girls waving the cane and said “You are going to answer a question before you can enter. ”
“Mary” he addressed the girl in front. “Have you ever come in contact with a man’s penis”. She got blushed and went red, but said meekly, “Father once I touched one with my finger tips”. “OK”, said Saint Peter, “Dip your finger in that holy water and go in. ”
He asked the second girl, “Sandy, have you ever touched a man’s penis”. She too got blushed but said, “Yes father, once I took my boy friend’s dick in my hand”. “OK” said father Saint Peter. “Wash your hand in that holy water and go in. ”
Suddenly there was a commotion in the line and the girl at the end came rushing through the line. “What seems to be the rush Lisa” Saint more...
there were 3 nuns and one day the first nun went up to the paster and sais paster i did somthing bad.i robbed a bank, so the paster said go and drink the holy water and god will forgive you.
the second nun went to the paster and said paster i did somthing bad.i shot and killed a child, so the paster said go and drink the holy water and god will forgive you.
the third and last nun went up to the paster and said paster i did somthing bad....i peed in the holy water.