Holy Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5, 000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. 00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5, 000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150. 00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2, 000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate and said: "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours." John thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?" Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: "I always wanted a girl."
There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee more...
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a more...
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church. The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,"... But they'll steal my bike." The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside. The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it..."In the name of the Father, The Son... Amen"The priest said,"What about the Holy Spirit?" The boy replied, "Its outside taking care of my bike!"