Holy Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," said the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,

"What's more...

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent' Easy Reading' to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.

The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering,' An' R'! The scribes left out the' R'.'

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,' It's the letter' R'. They left out the' R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!'

A bus load of nuns die in a road accident and go to heaven. When they get there st Peter asks the first nun, have you ever had contact with a penis? She says I touched one once with my finger. Dip it in holy water then replies st Peter. He asks the next nun. I fondled one she says. Put your hand in holy water. Suddenly they hear a commotion, a nun has pushed her way to the front. Whats the matter? asks st Peter. Well she says, If Im going to gargle holy water then I want to do it before sister anne sticks her arse in it!!!

One day a burnette goes to a preacher and says, "I have commited a sin."
Preacher: what was it.
Burnette: I stabbed a man to death.
Preacher: go drink some holy water and your sins will be forgiven.
Later a redhead goes to the preacher and says, "I have commited a sin."
Preacher: what was it.
Redhead: I pushed a man of a cliff.
Preacher: go drink some holy water and your sins will be forgiven.
later a blonde goes to the preacher and says "I have commited a sin."
preacher: what was it.
blonde: I peed in the holy water that they are drinking.

Four nuns die in a car crash and end up at the Pearly Gates where they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Before any of you can enter Heaven, I must ask you a question. Has any part of your body ever touched a man's penis?"
The first nun lowers her eyes and softly replies, "I did touch one with my finger one time." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in this pail of holy water and you can go inside."
He then asks the second nun, "Has any part of your body ever touched a man's penis?"
The second nun solemnly replies, "Yes, St. Peter, I touched one with my hand one time." "Ok, dip your hand in this pail of holy water and you can go inside," says St. Peter.
St. Peter then turns to the third nun and asks, "Has any part of your body ever touched a man's penis?"
Before she has a chance to answer, the fourth nun pushes the third nun aside and stands in front of St. Peter.
Shocked, St. more...

Four nuns walk up to the Father to confess their sins.
The first nuns walks up and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have seen a man's penis."
"Rinse your eyes in the Holy Water and all will be forgiven." replies the Father.
The 2nd nun walks up and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have touched a man's penis."
"Rinse your hands in the Holy Water and all will be forgiven." replies the Father.
He then notices the 3rd and 4th nun fighting for their place in line. He goes to them and says, "Sisters, Sisters, what is the fighting for?"
The 4th nun replies, "Well there is no way in Hell I'm drinking the Holy Water after she's stuck her ass in it!"

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line," I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.
The next nun admits that "Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on in here?" says St. Peter.
"Well your excellency," says the nun who is more...