Honey Jokes / Recent Jokes

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Things You Will Never Hear A TRUE Southerner Say!
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wreslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula more...

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl! !!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl! !!"

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.
She replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"
And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"

"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is," Kathy said. Chuck asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburettor. Chuck thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean to be offensive, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator." "No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," Kathy insisted. "OK honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake!" she said.

"Honey," said Mrs. Beldon to her husband, "Lester's teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia." "Encyclopedia, my eye!" exclaimed Beldon. "Let him walk to school like I did."