Honor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you togo out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?""I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: _ / O _ /and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.""That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." more...

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has announced that Bill and Hillary Clinton will have the honor of pushing the button that lowers the Times Square New Year's Eve Ball. According to CBS News, this year's ball "is double the size of previous balls and is covered in 2,668 Waterford Crystals...Organizers of the New Year’s Eve party say the bigger, brighter ball will remain in place all year atop the building at 1 Times Square to celebrate other holidays including Valentine’s Day, the Fourth of July and Halloween."
Imagine it - Bill in full glory! He’s used to lowering balls onto people’s faces, but only one person at a time. Tonight he’ll have a whole city looking up as his ball descends on them. And twice the size of most balls, naturally.
The honor is equally apropos for Hillary who, many have speculated over the years, has at least one ball. One presumes this won’t be the last ball dropped by the new secretary of state.
As for staying with us beyond New more...

A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home
visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans
for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was
wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her
husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.

He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion.
He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the
grieving widow's wishes.

At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners
might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully
introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of
humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.

The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the
introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and
began to appear quite interested. As the more...

Native American Indian legend has it that many years ago, before the domination of the White Man, there existed a tribe that lived in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. And in this tribe, the Chief had decided that the time had come for his only daughter, the beautiful Wild Honey, to marry.
Now in this tribe, selection of a mate for the daughter of a chief involved a kind of round-robin competition among the eligible braves to determine who was the bravest, the strongest, the best hunter and provider. From the preliminary rounds, two great contenders emerged - the fast and powerful Running Water, and the bold and handsome Falling Rocks.
The final event of the competition would decide the winner. Each brave was given exactly seven days to prepare the traditional BTFTLOOTGO - "bridal tepee for the Little One of the Great One." The winner would be the brave who built the better tepee and assembled the more impressive collection of provisions.
Before heading more...

It seems that a man was brought to criminal cort for the murder of his
wife.
Judge: "Sir, you have been brought before me and stand accussed of killing
your wife." "What do you have to say in your defense?"
Man: "Well your Honor, I came home early and found my wife in bed with my
best friend and I shot her." "Thats all I have to say."
Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your
best friend, would you please tell me what happened with him."
Man: " Well your Honor, I pointed my finger at him and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG."

Bill married one of a pair of identical twins. A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Bill began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over for a visit and because she and my wife are identical, occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference between the two women," said the judge.
"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Bill. "That's why I want a divorce."