Hope Jokes / Recent Jokes
Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position. Entry 2
Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3
Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. Entry 4
Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." more...
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
The following Transcript was performed in June of 2006 at the Broadway Comedy Club in New York City.I hope I don't seem too off tonight - I caught Paris Hilton's new single the other day; now my ears itch, and it burns when I hear.
Y'like what I did there, right? Yeah...it's funny cuz she's a whore.
I saw in the paper yesterday that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into it at some Hollywood party recently, and the papers were calling it a "catfight," which to me is typical tabloid exaggeration.
We all know the rule of thumb: it ain't a catfight, unless we see some titty. It's gotta be confirmed by at least two witnesses...
So I say let'em go at it til shit gets to rippin'. It's not like there's high expectations floating around for these two. It's not like there's a lot of people who think'Paris Hilton' and'Lindsay Lohan' and immediately think, 'class.'
I've known chicks from Jersey with more self-esteem. Seriously, as I speak there is a fifty year old more...
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was more...
FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between more...
"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times.
He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, more...