Horny Jokes / Recent Jokes

Comparing notes, one southern woman said to the other, "Horny men are all alike."
Nodding, the other southern belle said, "Horny men are all Ah like, too."
HaHaHa, reminds me of a few people I know down here.

1. Your' Imbruglia' hairdo has turned into a' Bronwyn Bishop'. ... and you've stopped caring.

2. You have absolutely no idea where you're shoes are.

3. The "Chicken Dance Song" seems like a really good tune.

4. You mistake a police car from a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't stop for you.

5. You've started having a row with yourself. Out loud.

6. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies loo because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum..... And it was wet.

7. You bump into people on their way to work.

8. You keep dancing into people and you've fallen off the podium - twice.

9. They've stacked all the chairs and turned the lights on.

10. You've been flashing your boobs at passers by.

11. Creme De Menthe, Advocaat or Grenadine suddenly seem to be viable drink options.

12. You start more...

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the
first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he
gets kicked out.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and
says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a
blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see." So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a
bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's
about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his
pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting...
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg? Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all more...

A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far asCleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approachingSan Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was asevere guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's". The man said, "What? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing. Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?".

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down more...