Horrible Jokes

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.
After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"
The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself."
The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."

Five days before Christmas, Santa was having a horrible day. And by horrible, I mean his wife was sick with the flu, 23 elfs called in sick, and nothing was getting done, so they were really behind schedule.
*Knock-Knock,* Santa heard, so he went to go open the door. There was an Angel carrying a christmas tree. "Where would you like me to put this?" asked the angel.
And that is why the Angel is put on top of the Christmas tree.

Jack was suffering with a horrible cold, so he went to see his doctor. His doctor prescribed some pills for him, but they didn't help.
Back Jack went to the doctor the next day and this time he was given a shot, but that too didn't seem to help.
Once again, Jack went back to the doctor. This time he was told to go home, take a hot bath and as soon as he finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"What!" Jack exclaimed. "If I do something like that, I'll end up with pneumonia!"
"That, I can cure!" said his doctor.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. The man said, "There's a horrible dark cloud surrounding me."

"I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it."

The man, eager to be cured, handed over the money. The psychic then pulled out a book of matches and lit one.

The man said, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?"

The psychic waved the match in front of his butt and said, "Mexican food."