Horrible Jokes / Recent Jokes

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.
After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"
The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself."
The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."

Five days before Christmas, Santa was having a horrible day. And by horrible, I mean his wife was sick with the flu, 23 elfs called in sick, and nothing was getting done, so they were really behind schedule.
*Knock-Knock,* Santa heard, so he went to go open the door. There was an Angel carrying a christmas tree. "Where would you like me to put this?" asked the angel.
And that is why the Angel is put on top of the Christmas tree.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, more...

Joe and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Joe paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "Whats wrong?"
Joe looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Joe stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God," the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Joe cried in disbelief. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to more...

A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says the man.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons more...