Horse Jokes / Recent Jokes
A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
Erap, Joe De V and Fred Lim are soliciting campaign funds from the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan has a very intelligent horse, who understands English but is lame. Sultan says he will donate a million dollars to the candidate who can make the horse laugh, cry and run. Joe says, "Me first." (as he is wont to do). He puts his face in front of the horse, and starts wiggling his huge ears. The horse enjoys the breeze, but does not laugh. Joe takes out money and waives it in front of the horse while making sad, crying sounds. The horse ignores the money, and refuses to cry. Joe then slaps the horse's behind, and starts shouting "Heyaah". The horse ignores him and refuses to run. (The fact that the horse speaks English was totally lost on Joe, who is not very bright). Lim comes up next. He looks at the horse and says, "Kapag' di ka tumawa, papatayin kita". Horse no laugh. He walks over to the other side and says, "Kapag' di ka umiyak, papa-salvage more...
Banta goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."
The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."
Banta comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Banta says, "The horse blew first."
The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.
"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.
"I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."
"But the squirrel?" asked the genie.
"I need something to go' click-click' to start the horse!!!"
I'm hungry:
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'm thirsty:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes more...
Little Johnny was on a plane when the stranger in the next seat said, "Let's talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
The stranger said, "How about nuclear power?"
Johnny said, "That could be interesting. But first, I have a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow excretes a flat patty, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger said, "I have no idea."
Johnny said, "Well, then, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"