Host Jokes / Recent Jokes
Facts about Americans. Did you know that. . . Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 67. 5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations. 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. 58. 4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. Over more...
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: Festivity Level One:Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two:Your guests are talking loudly-sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your more...
Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They decided to make their very own record and they plan to make it on MTV some day. After years and years of practice they called in and asked to perform. They had to prove they were good enough so the mailed the host of MTV a video. A few days later they all found out they did make it to MTV so they rehearsed plenty of times and had everything going perfect. They were going to be the greatest performers ever. After driving for about 20 hours they were tired but still planned to be great the next day. They arrived on the set of MTV to perform. The blonde was suppose to be in charge of the drumrole when the host said to do so. He said,"Ladies and gentlemen, listen up for the new pop stars of 2002." Then opened an envelope and said "Could I get a drumrole please?" So the blonde picked up the drum, roled it across the stage and hit the host and killed him therefor they were not excepted to perform anywhere else and more...
There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game. At halftime she was called down to answer questions to seeif she could win $1000. The first question was what is 10 plus 11? She hesitates and says, hm.. 5! The host says no im sorry thats incorrect. All of the blondes in the stadium chanted "Give her another chance, giveher another chance!" So the host agrees and said, "ok how about 5 plus 5."She answers and says 20. Again all the blondes chanted give her another chance, give her another chance. So the host agrees again and says, ok last chance, what is 2 plus 2. The blonde says 4! and the audience says Give her another chance give her another chance!
Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.
Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.
When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!
Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"
Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!
Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.
Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."
Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.
Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).
If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.
If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, "I thought you loved me!" and run from the more...
The guest was a bit surprised when his host served him a dinner of nothing but a dish of bean curd The host praised the virtues of bean curd, saying, "Bean curd is my life; it's the most delicious food in the world."
One day, he had the chance to visit his friend, who remembered that the man loved bean curd and so he served fish and meat with bean curd However, the man devoured only the fish and meat, and didn't touch the bean curd His friend asked, "You say bean curd is your life, but why don't you eat it today?"
The man answered, " I guess when I see fish and meat on my plate, I don't want my life anymore."
The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce its name changes and schedules for the' 99 season:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on in week 5. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
In Week 6, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the more...