House Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week
between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the
White House.
Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her
internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the
White House the President asked, "How would you like to see the
Presidential Clock?"
Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know Mr. President. I
have heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would
be a good idea."
"Nonsense" said the President. "It's just a clock." Ashley
agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where they were
alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out. Ashley
gasped.
"Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the Presidential
Cock!"
To which the President responded, "Ashley, honey, once you put a
face and two hands on more...

God created the donkey & said to him: " You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey. " The donkey answered: " I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish. God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog. " You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: " Sir, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: " You will be a monkey. " You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. " The monkey answered: " Sir, to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted more...

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.They both decided it was time to get married.So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage."Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute."Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.""And how will you live?""I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.That should be enough."Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?""Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"

I cross ocean, poor and broke. Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there. Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say,' You come no more, We send cash right to your door.' Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy! By and by, I get plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in motherland, Tell them' come fast as you can.' They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better! Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say,' Find more aliens for house to rent.' And in the yard I put a tent. Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash! Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood. We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kid's need dentist? Wife's need pills? We get free! We got no more...

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business." She didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car." Still, she didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house." Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, "Buy a ticket." Blonde
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? "A blonde parade.

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (campinggear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don't normally buy... and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas... 1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents'
house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges
and pear trees.

So, I was wrong.

Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be
bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really
looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's.
What more...