Howard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven... The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter' T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in more...

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2, 025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2, 025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside.

Curious, Howard asks Satan, "Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?"

"They're from Oregon," Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn."

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"

When called to serve for jury duty, Mrs. Howard asked to be excused since she did not believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. However, the public defender appreciated her thoughtfulness and attempted to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained. "This is not a murder trial. It is a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $15,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"All right then, I'll serve," Mrs. Howard replied. "I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"