Howard Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Kansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Mother here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It"s about your more...

1991 - A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.
1992 - Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."
1993 - Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 more...

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2, 025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
“Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2, 025 pigs? ” she asked.
“Yeth. ” lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: “Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs. ”

1991 -- A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.

1992 -- Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S. D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."

1993 -- Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James more...

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard I know? Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard you know unless you open the door? Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard you like to stand out here in the cold while some idiot keeps saying "Who's there?"Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard you like a punch on the nose? Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard can it be to guess a knock knock joke? Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard the ground is when you slip on a banana skin! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard like to be outside for a change?

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Howard Hughes!
Howard Hughes who?
Howard Huges like a punch on the nose?

Going back to the closet
Howard, a young gay man telephones his mother.
"Mum, I`ve decided to go back into the closet. I`ve met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You`ll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I`m very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she`s a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what`s her name?"
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"