Idea Jokes / Recent Jokes

Seinfeld-isms, From the Washington Post:
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important more...

There was once a very crafty and cunning thief who had all his life practiced theft without ever being caught red-handed. Now he was getting old and his son, fearing that his art of stealing might to be lost forever with his death, begged him to disclose the secret of his success."There's no secret to be handed down to you, son," replied the old thief. "Just go ahead and do it yourself, that's all."One evening, the young thief sneaked into the bedroom of a rich man. There he found a large wardrobe which was by chance not locked. Hiding himself in the wardrobe, he intended to wait until the master of the house had gone to sleep and then come out and make off with whatever he could lay hands on. Hardly had the master of the house gone to bed when he remembered that he had forgotten to lock the wardrobe. So he immediately got up to fasten the lock. Trapped in the wardrobe, the young thief did not know how to extricate himself. As the night wore on, he was getting more more...

Possibly offensive to Norwegians since Ole and Lena are from Norway but now live in the US. I am 100% norwegian so I figure I can get by with this! One day Lena stops Ole and tells him that the outhouse is full and he has to do something about it. Ole comments that Sven is comming over the next weekend, and since he has been going to an engineering school he should have an idea of the best way to handle the situation.
That weekend Sven comes over and Ole explains his dilemma. ..
"Sven, we got to do somethin' about the outhouse, it is full and Lena is getting very upset about it"
"Well Ole, I have an idea. We will place several sticks of dynamite around the outside of the outhouse with a fuse just long enough to allow us to run behind the house before it goes off. The outhouse will be blown straight up, the crap in the hole will be blown out into the fields to fertilize them, then outhouse will fall right back down to were it was."
Ole thought more...

I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "Another year older", but decided to make the best of it.

So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say Happy Birthday, dear.

All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn''t say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot.

The kids will be in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me. There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.

Finally the kids came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast", "I''m late", "Where is my coat", and "I''m going to miss the bus". Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a smile more...

You might be a redneck if...
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".
You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.
Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.
Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.
When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.
You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.
Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.
You have a clawfoot bathtub.
You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.
You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.
Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.
Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.
You can remember the more...

You might be a redneck if...
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.
You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, "I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."
Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.
You think the internet is a new fishing tool.
There's a pothole in the road and you swerve... to hit more...

Two inebriated gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.
"I've an idea," said one, "lesh have one more drink and then go find us shum girls."
"Naw," replied the other. "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then lesh have one more drink and go up to your place."