Idea Jokes / Recent Jokes

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A''s and a couple of B''s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally''s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

(Supposedly a true story - then again, aren't they all?)
This Certified Flight Instructor and his Student are holding on the runway for
departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops
in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off."
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(Think-think-think.)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: "Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN."
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(Think-think-think.)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: more...

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking - "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded more...

What's a man's idea of foreplay? -A half-hour of begging.

How to Answer

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,

'DO I LOOK FAT?'

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted' yes'.

'No' means yes.' Yes' means yes.' I don't know' means yes.' It doesn't matter' means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.

Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but more...

Three guys, one Chinese, one French, and one Mexican wanted to watch the Olympics but didn't have any money to buy tickets. The Chinese guy suddenly got an idea and went home to fetch his bicycle. He rode up to the security guard at the gate and yells, "China, bicycling! Hurry, let me in, I'm late!"

The guard, not wanting to jeopardize his job, lets the Chinese guy through. Seeing that this idea worked, the French guy runs home and grabs a long pole and runs back to the security guard and yells, "France, pole vaulting! Let me in, I'm late!"

The security guard lets the French guy through. Seeing how great their ideas were, the Mexican runs home and grabs a chain link fence, wraps the fence around his body and hops up to the security guard and yells, "Mexico, fencing!"