Idea Jokes / Recent Jokes

NEW YORK - New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the nation's economic health is measured, is in reality a made-up and largely random mishmash of numbers and meaningless statistics.
"The whole 'stock exchange' idea came about around the turn of the century at the request of publisher William Randolph Hearst, who was looking for something to fill the back half of his New York Journal," NYSE's Ian Silver said. "So a man named Henry Tillman came up with the idea of a 'stock-ticker' device, which spewed out reams of bogus numbers for Hearst to reprint."
NYSE has no plans to disband.

What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. . . . . men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He’s breathing.
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
8. What do men and beer bottles have in common.
They are both empty from the neck up.
9. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows.. . . . . It’s never been done.
11. How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are more...

HOW TO TELL IF YOU WORK IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM

1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.

4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.

5. You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.

6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

7. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.

11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.

12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

13. You more...

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A. Telling you his real name.

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I more...