Idiot Jokes / Recent Jokes
How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
Dear Son
I am writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happened within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with then to there next house so they wont have to change there address, I wish the I have thought of that.
This place has a small washing machine. the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
It only rained twice this week- three days the first time and four days the second.
The coat you wanted me to send you; your aunt sue said it was too heavy to send it by mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Don't tell anyone.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill; up she comes. Luck we have a more...
IDIOT SIGHTINGS... Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights more...
A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end more...
When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all.
Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet... idiot.
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now more...
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.' 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.''
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.' 'Why, that's amazing!'' the doctor said,' 'Did you follow my instructions?''
The woman nodded.' 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.''
''From hunger, you mean?''
''No, from skipping.''