Idiot Jokes / Recent Jokes
He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
A college graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my butt?"
Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.
A woman, desperate for work, applies for a job. The manager goes over her impressive resume but explains that they have nothing worthy of her background. The distraught woman pleads she will take anything. The manager is sympathetic. She is offered a low-skilled job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo assembly line.
Her duties are explained and she is to start the next day. Not even an hour into her first day on the job, there's a frantic knock on the manager's door. The foreman is crazed and drags the manager to the assembly line. Sure enough, things are a royal mess. Elmos are piling up everywhere. At the end of the line is the new worker. She has a bolt of fabric and a large box of marbles. They are both stunned. They watch as she fashions a small bag, inserts two marbles and sews it between Elmo's legs.
Eventually the manager understands what has happened. "Dear woman you misunderstood me yesterday. I just want you to give each Elmo two test tickles."
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most more...
Some Words of Wisdom...
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? Few women admit their age and few men act theirs. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal. WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart? Make it idiot-proof and someone will more...
A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a' 70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an more...