Image Jokes / Recent Jokes

...actress Mo' Nique, fresh off her Golden Globes win, will take the next year off to reinvent her image. She plans to take singing lessons, lose 150 lbs., and re-emerge as Less' Nique.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated more...

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."And God populated the earth with broccoli and more...

Tipper Gore discovered that her husband`s great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." After letting President Clinton`s large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al`s campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther`s picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press: "Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business more...

Oral Sex Oral Argument Will the justices know it when they see it?

'But Ginsburg suggested Lewinsky may say she and Clinton engaged in an act other than intercourse.' What's the president's definition of sex?' he asked in an interview minutes after Clinton's statement.'

--USA Today, Jan. 27, 1998

Justice O'Connor: I am trying to get my mind around this theory, Counselor.

Mr. Bennett: Yes, Your Honor.

Justice O'Connor: You say it was not sex? Though the affidavit and counsel all attest that she. .. did as the affidavit attests?

Mr. Bennett: Your honor, we are proposing that not everything that looks like sex is sex and that some things that do not look like sex are in fact sex. To me, ministering to a person's toes in a particular way does not look like sex, but I am reliably told it is sex. On the other hand, say you visit your doctor and your doctor fingers your anatomy, to find lumps or sores or whatever. That's not more...

So it seemed that Professional Wrestling had so much public image problems, and in this age of
political correctness, something had to be done to repair that image. Thus came the idea of a
Sensitivity Training Camp for Professional Wrestlers, deep in Smokey Mountains woods, far from any
human beings. After several hours, of driving on tough roads, the group had to continue the trip, on
foot for another day or so while mules carried the food and equipments for the group.
Two weeks later the Professional Wrestling Federation, invited reporters to interview the wrestlers
who were coming back from the camp. So, this reporter showed up and waited for the wrestlers who were
coming down the mountain.
He meets the Raging Bull, a 400 pound wrestler known for his vicious Death Chop. The reporter asked
him about the memorable events of the camp. After a bit of thought, the Raging Bull says, "Well,
there was this time a mule got lost, so me more...

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana more...