Immediately Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Irish priest in a small village near Donegal was fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
Almost immediately all the men stood up.
"Dear god, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
Almost immediately all the women stood up.
"Almighty Father, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Almost immediately, half the women stood up.
"NO, NO, NO", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
Immediately all the Nuns stood up...

A war broke out between two neighboring countries - a small island and its northern neighbor. The southern, predominantly Chinese soldiers decided to pull a trick on its northern enemy. The southern troops called out "Eh, Mat! Mat!", and suddenly the northern troops began standing up and asking "Siapa panggil aku?" (who's calling me?). The southerners immediately opened fire, killing a great number of these mats. Furious, the remaining Mat soldiers decided to pull the same trick on their enemies... "Oi, Lee! Lee!", they shouted, and the Lee Soldiers started shouting back, "Kong simi?" (What are you talking about?). The mat soldiers immediately stood up and replied, "Aku lah!" (Me, lah!), getting their heads shot off soon after.

The FEMALE always makes the rules.
The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification... by the FEMALE.
No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to "mind read" at all more...

This article came from a fellow named Keith Wortham.
In anticipation of a PC MAGAZINE review of the well promoted but NON-AVAILABLE Microsoft Windows 4. 0, he went ahead and wrote it in the typical "objective" style the magazine usually uses with Microsoft products. He is planning to submit it to the magazine before they can come out with their own bubbly "review" of the promised product.
As you know, the magazine carries big ads for Microsoft. From what I am told, ZIFF-DAVIS, which owns PC MAGAZINE, ALSO OWNS A SUBSIDIARY THAT HAS THE MARKETING ACCOUNT FOR MICROSOFT! (Does that strike you as a bit of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, and ample incentive for total "non-objectivity?")
Quoting Keith Wortham:
"The latest issue of PC Magazine contains the exciting and long awaited news that there will be an article on Windows 4. 0 appearing in the next issue. To save those of you who do not subscribe from having to buy the magazine, we thought more...

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
house") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e. g., stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar
plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as more...

One night right before exams two men decide to drive to the next state over to party with on of the men's cousins.
So they go, have a great time, and get horribly drunk. Unfortanutely they get so drunk they don't wake up the next day.
They immediately got on the road and were only three hours late. They go into their classroom and tell the teacher that they had gone to the next state over to study and had started home immediately. They told her that one of their tires had gone flat and that was why they were late.
The teacher smiled, said that was okay and put them in seperate rooms for the test.
The test had only two questions.
1.(25%)What is the latitude and longitude of Peru?
2.(75%)Which tire?

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the more...