Important Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes (what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to more...
A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it. So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U....
Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the `real` reason this meeting has been called. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, more...
Riddles
Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it`s probably the last time he`ll put his foot down. Q: What do you call a Jewish man who`s lost 80% of his brain?
A: A widower!
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...
Bill, Al, and Hillary all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching Heaven, they are escorted as important personages directly to see God. God looks at Bill and asks, "Bill, you've sinned a great deal. Why should I allow you to enter into Heaven?"
"Well, gee, God," replies Bill, "I'm the Pres-ee-dent of the United States. I've been trying to help people - you know give them universal health care and protect them from those mean-spirited Republicans who want to starve their children and throw sick old people out into the street." God considers this a moment and says, "Oh, okay. Sit over here on my left." He turns to Al. "Al, why should I let you into Heaven?" "Well, Lord, I'm the Vice President of the United States. I've tried to protect the environment from abuse by those mean-spirited Republicans and even wrote a very important book about it." God thinks a moment and says, "All right. Sit over here on my right. Now, more...