Improve Jokes / Recent Jokes

You know your in the 90's...
25. When you consider Starbucks a food group.
24. When you schedule conference calls on your mobile phone while
you know you're gonna be stuck in traffic.
23. Whenever you hear an electric beeping, 90% of everyone in sight
reaches for their belts.
22. You find the words "conventional oven" archaic.
21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have email addresses.
19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your
bookmarks.
18. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never
get crossed off.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick-up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
capital more...

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn`t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can`t handle his instrument and doesn`t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can`t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is 'That Bob Vila guy.'Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a Lifeline.

Vatican Rescinds' Blessed' Status of World's Meek-' Screw the Meek,' Says Pope
VATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly 2, 000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's meek.
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said,' Blessed are the meek,'" said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. "However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this' blessed' status was conditional upon their inheritance of the Earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated."
"Screw the meek," the pope added.
Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by the world's impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meek's historic inability to improve more...

Regular, moderate exercise may help improve memory in older people a recent study shows. Unfortunately, another recent study shows that older people often forget to exercise.

A collegian was deeply in love with a pretty girl, But he did not have the
courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of
a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.
HE WROTE:
Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation. I
have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational
qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my
matriculation examination; no doubt without any hesitation and very little
preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of your marriage celebration
according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the
expansion of the population of present generation.
On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my
situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our
argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint more...

PLEASE NOTE: If you find jokes about Christianity offensive... DO NOT READ THIS JOKE!
Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status of World's Meek- 'Screw the Meek,' Says Pope
VATICAN CITY-In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's meek.
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, 'Blessed are the meek,'" said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. "However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this 'blessed' status was conditional upon their inheritance of the Earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated."
"Screw the meek," the pope added.
Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by the world's impoverished more...