Inside Jokes / Recent Jokes

On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise
And said as he sat on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret. Tell it to me."
He leaned up and whispered in Santa's good ear
"How do you do it, year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.
How is it, Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the world's girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
around the whole world, The reindeer pulling your sleigh
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?"
And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions. Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He more...

You'll never eat fast food again!

This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a Taco Bell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home.

Well that night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next day it was a little worse so she went to her doctor.

He said she was just have an allergic reaction to something and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help.

After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her doctor had no idea so he started to run some test. They scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and they also took some saliva samples.

Well they found out what was wrong. Apparently her chicken soft taco had a pregnant roach in it. The eggs then some how got into her saliva glands and well she was incubating them. They had to remove a couple a layers of her inner more...

Drive Through ATM ProceduresPlease note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.* 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.* 9 Insert card.* 10 Re-insert card the right side up* 11 Dig more...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Patterson, New Jersey: When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile. Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20, 000 of her most faithful servants. Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) more...

There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew every thing there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again.

This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he wasn't there, without success.

One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This upset everyone tremendously. However, now that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in the drawer.

After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and written in large more...

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."