Instead Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, a grieving relative came to a grave yard to talk to the grave digger.
The woman said to him "I am very poor, and I don't know how I can pay for my husband to be buried!"
The grave digger replied "No problem, I have ways for you to save money while having your husband buried."
"How?" The woman asked.
"It's very simple," the grave digger replied. "To save money on the coffin, all you do is put your husband's body in a large plastic bag, instead of a coffin. To save money on space of the burial, bury your husband standing up instead of laying down. To save money on the headstone, all you need to do to identify your husband is to bury only half of his body and leave his head and half of his body above groud. This also saves money and labour of me digging a whole grave!"

1. Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.
2. Flashes patrons and yells, "Hey! Check THIS out!"
3. No matter what book you ask for, she hands you the book "Libraries for Dummies."
4. When you ask for an appendix, (s)he winks suggestively and shows you (his)her scar.
5. Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the "Rod of Literary Tardiness".
6. Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the parking lot.
7. Inserts revealing photos of him/herself in copies of Gray's Anatomy.
8. Uses the "Dewer's Decimal System", which involves regular belts of scotch.
9. Instead of a simple "Shhhh," uses a bullhorn to say, "One more sound and I'm calling the cops!"

Signs you've had too much of the 90's! You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?" You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!

You know you're out of college when...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather more...

You know you're out of college when...1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00 am is not early.9. You have to file your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You're not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.19. You can more...

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words pin cushion.

If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse more...