Institution Jokes / Recent Jokes

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would more...

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..
Marriage is not more...

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.Marriage is a rest period between romances.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.Marriage is the high sea for which no more...

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to more...

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"

After the New Jersey Supreme Court voted to legalize gay marriage in the state, George W. Bush restated his position that marriage is a "sacred institution."
Meanwhile in Las Vegas, a drunken homeless man picked up a crack whore at Jiggles strip club at 3 a.m. The two went to a wedding chapel where an Elvis impersonator on crystal meth joined them in said sacred institution.

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of more...