Insult Jokes / Recent Jokes

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that high. I would have liked to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn’t get offended. I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure. I’d hate to see you go, but I’d love to watch you leave! I’d like to give you a going-away present…but you have to do your part. I’d like to have the spitting concession his grave. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in? I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have a place to put it! I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Any slower and he’d be in reverse. - Gignac
As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
As bent as a corkscrew.
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As happy as if he had brains.
As happy as the village idiot.
As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
As much use as a lead parachute.
As quick as a corpse.
As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro.
"But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter."
The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.
"How old are you?" George asked.
"I'm ninety-four," Gary responded.
"Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?"
At this, Gary blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes more...

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.
Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full color brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material.
1. Which of the following was one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE
2. The number missing from the series (1, 2, 4,.., 16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE
3. The letter missing from the series (a, b, c,.., e) is:
a. z
b. b
c. d
d. TYRE
4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5. 00. He buys more...

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."
The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."
The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."
The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."
Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.
Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the more...

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."