Insults Jokes / Recent Jokes

- You're so stupid, you got locked inside a grocery store and starved to death!
- You're so big, you play pool with the planets!
- You're so fat, when you went outside in yellow clothes, someone screamed, "TAXI!"
- You're so big, when you go to the movies, you sit next to everybody!
- You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped your parents.
- You're so stupid, the three stooges use you as an inspiration!

TEACHER: There is a frog, ship is sinking, potatoes cost $10/kg, then what is my age?
STUDENT: 32 yrs!
TEACHER: How do you know?
STUDENT: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

The Perfect Halloween Costume
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his more...

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting.

He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me pretty
What the heck happened to you?

According to the MilfordMirror article, in 2007 Mr. Blumenthal said, “In Vietnam, we had toendure taunts and insults.” Blumenthal clarified his original statement, " I meant to say that by avoiding combat in Vietnam, George W. Bush and I had to endure taunts and insults."

A man from New Hampshire stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip - three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."