Intel Jokes / Recent Jokes

/* * Microsoft marketing algorithm. */ #include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version > one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=ripe; say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware = TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) more...

Q: How many comp.sys.intel readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0.999999875

Computer Heaven and Hell
In computer heaven the management is from Intel,
the design and construction is done by Apple,
the marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
and Gateway determines the pricing.
In computer hell the management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
the support is from Gateway, and
Intel sets the price.

BEAVERTON, OREGON - Intel Corporation announced a major expansion of its successful' Intel Inside' campaign with a new line of silicon breast implants.

'We thought this would be a natural market for us because of our unparalleled knowledge of silicon,' Intel spokesperson Duwane Marino told the tightly-packed audience at a press conference in the Teton Auditorium in Beaverton's Civic Center Building.' Besides, Intel has a wealth of experience forcing new technology on the mass market. We feel that we're the company that makes cosmetic upgrades a part of the average person's life.

Implant beta-test subject, actress and model Eirika Anderssen, stated that her career is 133% faster since receiving' Pointium-II' implants at the beginning of the year.' Intel Inside stacks up against the best of the others,' she said.

Industry experts agree that the Intel move will turn plenty of heads, but believe the market for the new Intel products will be soft through more...

/*
* Microsoft marketing algorithm.
*/
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, more...