Intensive Jokes

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So,  since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I told her that I probably shouldn't have because,  although I'd lost 50 pounds,  I ended up in the hospital and I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food was nutritionally complete.
I then told her that I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in more...

A Man Was Brought In To The Hospital Intensive Care Unit Ward, Put In A Bed Tubes Coming Out Everywhere. A Week Later, Another Man Was Admitted, In A Similar Condition.

Both Lay There, Machines Pinging, Tubes Poking Etc. A Couple More Weeks Before One Of Them Had The Strength To Raise His Hand And Point To Himself And Say, "Bengali."

The Other Patient Signalled He Had Heard, Raised His Own Hand, And Said, "Punjabi."

This Act Tired Them Out So Badly It Was A Week Before The First Summoned Up The Strength To Say, "Calcutta."

Other Replied In A Weedy Frail Voice, "Ludhiana."

Once More, The Strain Was Too Much For Them Both And They Passed Out. Days Passed Before The First Patient Managed To Again Point To Himself And Say, "Asit."

Replied The Other, "Santa."

A Few Hours Later, Asit Managed To Point To Himself Again And Rasp Out Weakly, more...

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a world-wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11...
Pookie Johnson, the part-time janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.