Intercom Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size
condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he
stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought more...

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,' 'Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.''

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word' 'Tampax'' for' 'Thumbtacks.'' In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom,' 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?''

- You overhear him say on the intercom, "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
- For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.
- He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 45 feet."
- Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.
- When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
- At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!"
- He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform.
- Over P. A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh."
- As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.
- Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy."
- He keeps pacing up and down the aisle muttering, "So many gauges, so little time."
- You're halfway to your destination and he's still taxiing.
- Announces on the intercom that "We're now passing over the Grand Canyon or the Panama more...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced:
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may more...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
"I use them in my juggling act," says the juggler.
"Oh yeah?" "Let's see you do it." Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Take a Crap First "A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, more...

An air freight flight flying across the Pacific to Australia was also carrying five passengers; an American, A Frenchman, a German, an Englishman, and an Irishman. They'd almost reached their destination near Australia, when one of the plane's four engines caught on fire. "Don't worry!" said the pilot, as he activated the fire extinguishers and feathered the prop, "this plane was designed to fly on just two engines. We'll be fine!"

A little while later, an engine on the other wing coughed and sputtered and stopped. The plane appeared to be slowly losing altitude when the pilot came on the intercom and said: "don't worry men, this plane can still fly on two engines, but we're going to have to lighten the load."

The copilot came back into the cabin and opened a rear door. He then directed the five men in helping to jettison the crates that the plane was carrying. Once all the crates were out, he secured the door and went back to the more...