Irish Jokes / Recent Jokes

Story goes that one of the Clancy Brothers of folk music fame was walking through Chicago when he comes across an Irish bar. He poked his head in and, seeing a large crowd yells, "Screw the Irish!"

All heads turned, and you could have heard a pin drop. He looks at the crowd and says, "I'm Irish, I'm just looking!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When more...

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Irish Mike...."' Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

There are 3 construction workers in dowtown new york. one irish, one mexican, and one american. Every day at noon the 3 friends took a lunch break. However every day for lunch the irish man got a potatoe, the mexican got a taco, and the american got a peanut butter- and jelly sanwich. After getting sick of the same meal the 3 men declared after lunch, that if they were to get the same food tomorrow they would jump from their construction site. The next day they got the same food and all jumped to their deaths.
At the funerals the wife of the irish man cried saying that she shouldnt have made him potatoes. the wife of the mexican cried saying she shouldnt have made him tacos, and the wife of the american cried sobbing “he made his own lunch”

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.