Itself Jokes / Recent Jokes

First of all, if you get an email with the program Happy99.exe in it, don't open it --it sends itself to all entries in your email address book and mails itself out to them.

But, perhaps we should consider the top reasons why you haven't yet received it?

1) You have no friends
2) Even mail handlers think you are too prudish for the contents
3) You are receiving this by smoke signals
4) You wrap your computer in latex, for protection
5) Your computer is powered by a Z80
6) You're still looking for the any key

Hmm any other thoughts?

You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: You then enter: . If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these more...

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: Then enter: .
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, more...

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Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
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Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
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The song, "Auld Lang Syne" is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
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For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.
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Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent
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Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F
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The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells
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The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
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Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean
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The banana cannot reproduce more...

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know more...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Apple Corporation Sues Itself.[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous. An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend. Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. more...

#
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
#
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
#
The song, "Auld Lang Syne" is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
#
For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.
#
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent
#
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F
#
The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells
#
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
#
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean
#
The banana cannot reproduce more...