Itself Jokes / Recent Jokes

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft`s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv. dinn.//08. 5min@@50%heat//

Then enter:

ms//start. cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your more...

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said "NO STRINGS ALLOWED."
Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.
The bartender said "Can't your read?" and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.
The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.
The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.
Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.
"Say," asked the bartender suspiciously, "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
'Fraid not," replied the string.

As Christians, we often have our faith tested by nonbelievers claiming that the Bible contradicts itself. They may then show us scriptures where the Bible is clearly and obviously contradicting itself in order to lead us away from our faith and possibly even into homosexuality!
How do we, as Christians, reconcile these apparent contradictions? Very simply, we must always keep in mind that though the Bible is indeed the inspired word of God, it is written by Jews. I think anyone who's ever dealt with a banker or lawyer knows what a tricky lot they can be! I think it should serve to strengthen our faith that we have God's word at all, considering just how many Jews were involved!
Pray with me now.
Oh Lord God, the Alpha and Omega,
Thank you for your inspired word,
In your infinite wisdom, you knew that
In order to draft your perfect laws and commandments,
You would need to consult with the wily Jew. Amen.

Three ministers and their wives discovered that their vacations were all at the same time, so to save money, they decided to rent an RV and travel together. But on the second day out, they were in a terrible accident, and all six were killed. They came to the Pearly Gates of Heaven and were greeted by St. Peter. "I know you are all men of the cloth," said St. Peter, "but as a matter of protocol I need to look up your records." He punched a few keys on his computer and studied the screen. He looked at the first minister's record, and grimly shook his head. "I'm sorry. Our files say you lusted after alcohol, and though you never drank any, lust is just as bad as the deed itself. It says here your lust was so strong that you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Sherry." Poof, the minister and his wife were banished to Hell. He checked the next minister's record. Again he shook his head and said, "I'm sorry. Our files say you lusted after more...

Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.

Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?
A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.

Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?
A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.

Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?
A: To reach the consensus forecast.

Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
A2: Two. One to assume the existence of latter and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It more...

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1. 0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1. 0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2. 0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2. 0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2. 0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run more...

Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired more...