Jack Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang.
"What time do you open in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again.
" You might as well stop calling," Jack shouted." There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar!" "I don't want to get in," the caller interjected."I want to get out!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and make love to her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her more...

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

An office manager had money problems had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he`d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he`d wait see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack the manager went up to her said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don`t know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you`d better jack off, because I`m late for my bus."

Angus and Jack were two old Inibrians. Angus was dying and asked Jack, "When I am gone Jack, for old times sake, will you pour a bottle of whisky over my grave?" Jack replied, "Sure, I'll do that as long as you don't mind if it goes through my kidneys first."

Because of popular demand, I'll continue to post Deep Thoughts until people say they don't want it anymore or I run out. I have about 6 pages, so it should last awhile.
Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handy
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"<
Then you say, "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Source: LOTD archive

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.