January Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports more...

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L. A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

Detroit - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent
since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant win airbag contest January 1st. The new airbags,
which award fabulous prizes upon violent high-speed impact, will come standard in all the company's
1998 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting!" said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who
expects the contest to boost 1998 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag
Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXII or a year's worth of
free Mobil gasoline."
Although it did not officially begin until January 1st, 1998, the airbag promotion has already been
tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,' Oh boy, this is it - I could
be a big winner!'" more...

A lady here died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family more...

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2
"Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far more...

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2"Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, MassachusettsTeen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March more...

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last more...