Single-malt Jokes

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season
when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and
annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10
pounds.

You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
eating do's and don'ts... eliminate second helpings, high-calorie
sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot
is something you leave for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a more...

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy more...

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. .. eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's more...

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police
come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get
through the holidays without gaining ten pounds. You can't pick
up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made
with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you
left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of more...