"Holiday Eating Tips!" joke

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police
come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get
through the holidays without gaining ten pounds. You can't pick
up a magazine without finding a list of holiday do's and don'ts.
Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces and cookies made
with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick?
I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you
left for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt Scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even
rarer than single-malt Scotch. You can't find it any other
time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with Gravy. Eat
the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between Christmas
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table carrying a ten-
pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're
not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. I mean,
have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread the tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookie-
less January is just around the corner.