Jesus Jokes / Recent Jokes

How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. "Yes Jesus, how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul. . . Paul", he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd. Jesus yells out once again, "Paul,... Paul". Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this more...

Whats Jesus and a picture of Jesus got in comon? They both get hung up with nails

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus," he replies.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse more...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlightaround, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player toplace in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darksaying, "Jesus is watching you."He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, andfroze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clickedthe light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just ashe pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear asa bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for thesource of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, hisflashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" Hehissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warnyou."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are more...

a man walks into a hardware stores looking for wood to build his house he then sees jesus and says "be not afraid i come to your aid" and gives him a referell of wood he buys the wood and asks how he knows this, jesus replies "just trust me"he does and leaves. the next day he returns for nails and jesus shows up again and reffers him he buys the nails and asks how he knows this jesus replies "just trust me " he does and leaves. the man starts to build his house and relizes he has no money for food so he thinks jesus can solve his problem he goes to see him and gives him a referell of fish and bread but before he leaves he asks jesus will this keep him fed and jesus replies "for fucks sake you come in here spouting your problems you want to know how i know about the wood the nails and the fish i was put on the cross nailed to it and had nothin to eat for 2000 years so i got problems"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to stuff into his sack, he heard a strange disembodied voice come through the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin! He shut off his flashlight and waited... When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and resumed searching for more valuables. Just as he disconnected the stereo, he heard again, clear as a bell:
"Jesus is watching you."
Completely freaked, he shone his light around looking for the source of the voice. In a corner of the room the beam came to rest upon an African parrot.
"Did you say that?!" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the bird replied. "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar visibly relaxed. "Warn me, huh?! Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
The burglar laughed, "What kind more...

There were three golfers.
One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.
The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.
As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.
The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water.
However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.
As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away.
Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle.
Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.
Then more...