Jesus Jokes / Recent Jokes
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you more...
Jesus was a Liberal
Jesus is Coming, Look Busy
Just say no to sex with pro-lifers
Hatred is not a family value
Guns don't kill people, radical pro-lifers kill people
If Christ is the answer, what was the question?
My karma ran over your dogma
God, protect me from your followers
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends
God is Coming and Is She Pissed
Minds are like Parachutes: They only function when open
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools
You will never find an atheist in a foxhole!
Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God. God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"
A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that
there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads
for where he thinks the valuables are kept.
He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!
A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can
see you, too!"
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the
room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"
The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
"Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.
"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a
Doberman!"
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few more...
A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town.
As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer".
The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree more...
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What`s your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That`s a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."