Jewish Jokes / Recent Jokes

The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I`m actually 47," Morris says, feeling really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my eyesight more...

Why did the Jews' house get destroyed by termites ?
They did not call the exterminators!

A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.
The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"
The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"
The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"
And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?"

What is the difference between a non-Jewish woman and a Jewish woman
A non-Jewish woman urges her husband to take Viagra
A Jewish woman urges her husband to invest in Pfizer.

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl? - "Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
Eventually the Rottweiler lets go!

During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."