Job Jokes / Recent Jokes
Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters
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If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
If at first you don't succeed - try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Work harder you slaves!
The beatings will continue more...
Approval Seeker`s Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don`t. Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. Arnold`s Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn`t. (2) If it does exist, it`s out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Astrology Laws: It`s always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman Avery`s Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it`s the start of a brand new series of three. Baer`s Quartet: Wat`s good politics is bad economics; what`s bad politics is good economics; what`s good economics is bad politics; what`s bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as "What`s good politics is more...
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25, 000 and another for $50, 000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20, 000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. more...
1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It leads to more honest communications. 3. It reduces complaints about low pay. 4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 5. It encourages car pooling. 6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care. 7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 8. It makes fellow employees look better. 9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are bombed. 11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 12. Employees work late since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar. 13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment: APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO more...
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.