Johnson Jokes / Recent Jokes
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true." Does this mean I cannot call a pig,' Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig' Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said..."Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better
times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but
you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only
have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at
the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He
tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We
shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name
isn't on it."
The Big Horse Race Horses in the race are:1. Passionate Lady2. Bare Belly3. Silk Panties4. Conscience5. Jockey Shorts6. Clean Sheets7. Thighs8. Big Johnson9. Heavy Bosum10. Merry CherryAt the Post:They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.Heavy Bosum is being pressured.Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.Big Johnson is making a final drive.Passionate Lady is coming.At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.Heavy Bosum weakens and more...
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I`m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can`t marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they`re the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I`d like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It`d kill me, you idiot! I`m out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself."He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out theplace on the application where we asked your formal education."Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,"Where did you get your financial education?""Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale.""That's very more...