Johnson Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean.
Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: " Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived Work jokes at 9A. M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A. M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.. .

Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"

One Sunday morning, Reverend Johnson said to his young son Billy, "Now, I want you to take the cow over to John's house, John will know what to do. Then come on along to church."
When Billy arrived in church, Reverend Johnson was in the middle of his sermon. The text of the sermon was about the life of John the Baptist, and the Reverend was on a roll. Every now and then he would ask the rhetorical question, "and what did John say?"
After hearing the same question quite a few times, but having missed the beginning of the sermon, Billy could take it no longer and stood up and said, "John said that if you want that cow fucked, to fuck her yourself, because you didn't pay him last time."

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had
called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson
a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge
replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal
action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs.
Johnson."

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"The judge said that was true."Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said..."Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

A plumber promised old Miss Johnson he would be at her apartment by 11am the next day. When he had not arrived at 11:15 she locked up her apartment and went about her shopping.
The plumber arrived at 11:30 and knocked on the door. Although Miss Johnson was gone, her parrot called out, "Who is it?" and the plumber said, "It's the plumber." When noone came to the door the plumber knocked again. Again the parrot called out, "Who is it?" Thinking Miss Johnson may be hard of hearing the plumber raised his voice and shouted, "It's the plumber!" This routine continued for some time.
Eventually Miss Johnson returned to her apartment with her bag of groceries and found the plumber dead at her door. As she unlocked the door and let herself into the apartment she exclaimed, "Now I wonder who that is?!" to which the bird promptly replied, "It's the *#@ PLUMBER!!!"