Journal Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    -USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
    -The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
    -National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
    -Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
    -Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
    -Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
    -Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
    -Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
    -Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
    -Readers Digest: 'BYE
    -Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
    -TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
    -Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
    -America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
    Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
    -Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

    "AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
    "WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps
    "CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND."
    -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.
    "IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal
    "A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of preventative maintenance
    "IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual
    "TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO."
    -Infantry Journal
    "TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." -U.S. Army Ordnance
    "FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS! "-Infantry Journal
    "BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE more...

    When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
    USA Today:
    WE'RE DEAD
    The Wall Street Journal:
    DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
    National Enquirer:
    O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
    Playboy:
    GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
    Microsoft Systems Journal:
    APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
    Victoria's Secret Catalog:
    OUR FINAL SALE
    Sports Illustrated:
    GAME OVER
    Wired:
    THE LAST NEW THING
    Rolling Stone:
    THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
    Readers Digest:
    'BYE
    Discover Magazine:
    HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
    TV Guide:
    DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
    Lady's Home Journal:
    LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
    America Online:
    SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
    Inc. magazine:
    TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
    Microsoft's Web Site:
    IF YOU DIDN'T more...

    Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum!: )From the New England Journal of Medicine: Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby. Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and more...

    A medical journal reports that the most foolproof birth-control pill developed to date is an aspirin tablet-held firmly between the knees.

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