Judge Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, “What will you take…. 30 days or $30. ”
The man replied, “I think I’ll take the money. ”

Did you hear Mickey and Minnie Mouse are going to court for a divorce? When the judge asked why they were getting a divorse Mickey said because Minnie was crazy. The judge told him that that was no reason to get a divorse, but Mickey said, "No, you don't understand. She's FUCKING GOOFY!!!!"

Everyone in the courtroom waited with great anticipation as the judge, ensconced in his chambers, considered the evidence in the widely publicized paternity suit. Emerging after long minutes of deliberation, the brooding magistrate entered the courtroom and took his seat behind the bench. Staring at the defendant, he suddenly reached into his robes, withdrew a cigar, and with a flourish handed it to the young man.
"Congratulations," the judge declared, "you've just become a father."

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I’ll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to more...

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn’t start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. “Where are they, ” asked the driver.
“You mean to say that you don’t know where the courthouse is? ” asked the incredulous judge.
“The courthouse? Of course I know where that is. ” replied the driver. “But I thought you said you wanted to go to the ‘halls of justice. ’”

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been together for thirty-five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, and the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his request for an annulment.
"It's like this, your honor," answered Ole. "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry that gun!"