Judge Jokes / Recent Jokes

Looking down at the defendant, the judge said, "Mr. Riley, I've decided to give you a suspended sentence."
Tears pouring from his eyes, Riley cried, "Oh, thank you, Your Honor!"
"Don't thank me," the judge replied. "I'm sentencing you to be hanged."

Father (after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized): Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Father: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.

Father: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Father: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and... took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.
The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied, "With whom?"

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now dont let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "Im afraid I cant promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because Im the barman at your regular pub!"

Later that day the same judge meted out justice yet again.
"I'm going to give you a short sentence," he said to the convicted murderer.
Grinning, the killer said, "Bless you, Your Honor."
"Life!" was the judge's edict.
"Life?" screamed the murderer. "But that's not a short sentence."
"They don't make em shorter than one word," was the judge's reply,