Judges Jokes / Recent Jokes

Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smoky, with more...

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
15. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
9. Cut off 50 foreskins off more...

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his more...

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty."
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty."
Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."

How many Supreme Court judges does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.


How many family law judges does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but two lawyers have to explain how to do it.