Jumping Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry,
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's Hiace to drive to the top of the Conor Pass.
At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says; "Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feckin' dangerous for me."
PART TWO:
Moment's later Seamus arrives more...
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat barstools.
4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
6. Don't buy expensive' ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip handful of frozen peas more...
A group of brave souls were having their first lesson in sky-diving, "What if the parachute doesn't open?" asked one meekly.
"That's" said the instructor grimly, "what we call jumping to a conclusion."
Two guys went to Mexico to open up their own bungee jumping service. When they finally had everything set up in a plaza, a large crowd assembled around them so they decided it would be a good idea to give them a demonstration.
The first guy jumped and bounced at the end of the cord, but when he came back up his partner noticed that he had some cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, his partner was unable to catch him, so he fell again, bounced and came back up. This time, he not only had some cuts and scratches, but he was bruised and bleeding as well.
Again his partner missed him, so he fell yet again and bounced back up and this time, he was really a mess. On top of everything else, he now had a few broken bones and was almost unconscious.
Finally, his partner caught him and asked, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Faintly, the first guy replied, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pi
Our sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling' 86, 86, 86'?" the man says, "well, i can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, i can let you go under there and findout.
He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "okay." the man lifts the manhole cover, he steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
Beating around the bush................. 75
Jumping to conclusions................. 100
Climbing the walls..................... 150
Swallowing your pride................... 50
Passing the buck........................ 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight)... 50-300
Dragging your heels.................... 100
Pushing your luck...................... 250
Making mountains out of molehills...... 500
Hitting the nail on the head............ 50
Wading through paperwork............... 300
Bending over backwards.................. 75
Jumping on the bandwagon............... 200
Balancing the books..................... 25
Running around in circles.............. 350
Eating crow............................ 225
Tooting your own horn................... 25
Climbing the ladder of more...