Jumping Jokes / Recent Jokes

How To Lose Weight Without Exercise:

Here's The Guide To Calorie-Burning Activities And The Number
Of Calories Per Hour They Consume. Beating Around The Bush 75
Jumping To Conclusions 100
Climbing The Walls 150
Swallowing Your Pride 50
Passing The Buck 25
Throwing Your Weight Around (Depending On Your Weight) 50-300
Dragging Your Heels 100
Pushing Your Luck 250
Making Mountains Out Of Molehills 500
Hitting The Nail On The Head 50
Wading Through Paperwork 300
Bending Over Backwards 75
Jumping On The Bandwagon 200
Balancing The Books 25
Running Around In Circles 350
Eating Crow 225
Tooting Your Own Horn 25
Climbing The Ladder Of Success 750
Pulling Out The Stops 75
Adding Fuel To The Fire 160
Wrapping It Up At The Day's End 12
To Which You May Want To Add Your Own Favorite Activities, Including:
Opening A Can Of Worms 50
Putting Your Foot In Your Mouth more...

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!

We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean' more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she more...

Two teenagers were walking through a park when they saw two rabbits getting it on, fast and furious. "What are they doing?" asked the girl. "They're jumping rope," said the boy. "Maybe I'll teach you how someday." "I think I want you to teach me now," said the girl. So the two went behind some bushes and started getting it on. When the boy had his pants down, the girl asked what that was behind his "rope." "That," said the boy, "that's my knot." "Well," said the girl, "untie the knot and give me some more rope."

how to stop a black baby from jumping on the bed? put velcro on the ceiling.

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying “21? “21? “21. A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying “21? “21? “21?. Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting “22? “22? “22?.

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the more...

Thousands of Comcast subscribers in Tuscon were stunned this past Sunday, when with 3 minutes left to the game, their broadcast of the SuperBowl cut to a 30-second clip of a pornographic movie instead of an instant replay of an Arizona touchdown pass.
I don't know which is more damaging - jumping from an exciting 4th Quarter play to 30 seconds of male frontal nudity, or jumping from 30 seconds of male frontal nudity to a close-up of John Madden.